Shades of Grey
by m8nda
Summary: A little something that woke my muse from her slumber. This is my take on what happened before a particular episode began. All credits go to the Dave Matthews Band song, "Grey Street". All characters belong to Paramount, et al.


Kathryn Janeway is jolted awake. The shock of an incoming torpedo rocks the ship she's on and tosses her out of bed. She scrambles to her feet and calls for lights. No response. Her hand flies to her chest where her comm badge should be before she remembers it on the night table. Her actions are automatic after decades in the Delta Quadrant.

"Janeway to the Bridge! What's going on?"

No response.

In the darkness she quickly checks the status of the box-like case she brought on the trip, also on the night table. Thankfully it is still intact, so she slips on the clothing that transforms her from passenger to Admiral, and affixes her comm badge to her uniform jacket. She is all too aware that silence from the bridge is a bad sign. She activates her comm badge again. "Janeway to Captain Nihawa! Commander Rowan! Can you hear me?"

"Admiral Janeway?" A new voice responds. Not the captain of the captain of the USS Hurling… nor her commander. "Admiral? Could you come to the bridge, Ma'am?" The voice is timid, tentative.

"Who is this?"

"Ma'am…?" The small voice hesitates before continuing. "It's Crewman Mbape, Ma'am."

"Status report, Crewman. Tell me what's going on."

"Ma'am, I was to begin repairs on the navigational systems. But just before I arrived, a torpedo hit the bridge."

"Are the officers badly hurt? Do they need medical assistance?"

"The bridge crew, Ma'am?…They're... they're…"

"I'll be there at once."

"Please hurry."

As soon as she exits her quarters the reality of the situation becomes clear. They are sitting dead in space. She knows because she can see space from the corridor.

Half the ship is missing.

She also knows that the gravimetric sensors are still maintaining hull integrity… because she hasn't floated off and can still breathe. The hallway appears intact but the doors to the crew quarters opposite to hers have been sucked into the vacuum of space, along with everything else that was in the room. She stops that train of thought before considering who might have been inside.

She makes her way along the corridor, noting that some doors are still intact while others are missing.

Members of the Hurling's crew move past her as they execute emergency procedures. Knowing that most of her answers lie on the bridge, she doesn't stop them from their tasks...except for one officer who rounds the corner at a run. He stops just before colliding into the Admiral as she nears the turbolift.

"Ensign!"

"I'm so sorry, Admiral!"

"Nevermind. I'm trying to get to the bridge. Is the 'lift functional?"

"Yes, Ma'am. We've been able to use it despite the damage to the rest of the ship."

"Thank you, Ensign…?" she waits to hear the name.

"Sam Staverock, Ma'am."

"Thank you, Ensign Staverock. I know you are busy. Carry on."

The ensign resumes his pace and disappears down the hallway. Janeway calls for the 'lift, boards and announces her destination. The doors open and it's only then that she realizes the full extent of the damage to the USS Hurling.

The last torpedo must have been a direct hit to the Bridge.

The hissing of sparks arcing from shorted out wires is the first noise she hears. Some of the structural beams have collapsed and fallen onto the command stations. A gaping hole marks where the front viewscreen used to be. There are blood stains and spatters on the deck that lead toward the hole caused by the torpedo. A debris field is visible through the hole.

The bridge crew is gone. She can see them floating in space, along with what looks like the remains of the other ship that attacked them. The captain must have been able to fire one last torpedo before he was killed.

Janeway takes careful steps around and through the damaged deck. "Crewman Mbape! Where are you?"

"Right here, Sir!" The crewman crawls out from under what's left of the helm station. "I've almost re-established navigational control."

"Good work. Continue your efforts, Crewman." Then, remembering another time, too long ago, she adds, wistfully, "And Crewman, while I appreciate that this is, indeed, 'crunch time', I prefer 'Admiral or Ma'am."

"'Crunch time', Admiral?"

"Nevermind..."

With no bridge crew and the catastrophic damage she can see, Admiral Janeway knows that as the senior officer, she must assume control of the ship. She strikes her comm badge again. "Attention, crew of the USS Hurling. This is Admiral Kathryn Janeway. We have been attacked by an unknown enemy. Unfortunately the bridge crew have been lost, but not before they were able to destroy the enemy ship. For that, we owe them our gratitude and our lives. As you already know, the damage to this ship is considerable, and I expect we have lost other friends and comrades as well. If we have any chance of making it back to the nearest Star Base, I need all departments to report in immediately with their status. In addition, all wounded must be brought to Sickbay. I know the death of the senior officers comes as a shock. We will mourn all our losses properly when this crisis is over. Janeway out."

As the reports come in, all traces of the passenger who was Kathryn Janeway disappear and the Admiral begins another, albeit much shorter, journey to bring home the remaining members of the Hurling's crew.

She sits in the chair of their missing captain.

"I have regained 40 percent of helm control, Ma'am. We can set a heading to Star Base 17 while I continue repairs."

"How long before we arrive?"

"At our maximum speed of one-half impulse we should get there in about eight hours."

"Thank you Crewman. Hold here until further notice." Janeway considers her options and makes her decision. "Bridge to the Transporter room."

At first there is only static before she hears a reply.

"Do we have transporter control?"

"Yes, Admiral."

"If you are able, scan the debris field all around us and lock onto the comm badges of our crew members. We're going to bring them home. Janeway out."

Fifteen minutes pass before she receives word that the recovery mission is complete.

"Crewman Mbape. Set course for Star Base 17 and engage. Do we have communications?"

"Yes, Admiral, we do have limited function."

"Send out an emergency distress signal on all working frequencies. Let's hope we can get a ride back."

"Aye, Ma'am."

For the first few hours crew members enter and leave the bridge to effect repairs, while Janeway stays seated in the captain's chair.

Against her will her mind starts to wander.

 _[How did I come to this?]_

This was not how the day was to unfold. It was supposed to be the end of a three-day trip. In fact, now that they were on their way to the nearest Star Base, she would have to send notice that she would not be arriving as planned at her original destination.

For reasons she would not explore, she was not disappointed. It meant she would have more time...

It was not how she had ever expected to see the planet, and now she would have to plan another trip.

To Dorvan V.

 _"You can't go alone, Kathryn. Let us come with you."_

 _"No, I need to do this."_

 _"He would have expected us to make sure you were alright."_

 _"That's alright, Tom, really. And I'll be fine, B'Elanna."_

 _"At least have Miral accompany you, Kathryn. She's Earth-side now and you know she would come with you on a moment's notice."_

 _"No, no. Please. I need to do this alone. Frankly I don't know what reception I'll have when I get there, and I wouldn't want to subject Miral or any of you to that."_

 _"All the more reason for us to come with you."_

 _"No, my mind is made up. I'll be leaving next week. I've managed to arrange a ride with Captain Nihawa on the USS Hurling. He's passing Dorvan V on his way to negotiations in the DMZ."_

 _"Okay. Just be careful, Kathryn."_

Her mind drifted back to that conversation. It's just as well she was alone. If anything had happened to Tom or B'Elanna... or Miral, that would have been her tipping point. No overcoming that. How do you break a heart that is already broken?

She stands and makes her way to the Ready Room. The room is in disarray, but intact. She walks to the window. She sees her reflection against the darkness of space and shakes her head. She doesn't think she will ever get used to these new uniforms. So much grey. Lifeless, except for the hint of colour at the collar.

Lifeless. At least it matches her state of mind.

 _[There's an emptiness inside her  
_ _And she'd do anything to fill it in]_ _  
_

A hail from the Bridge interrupts her thoughts.

"Admiral Janeway?"

"Yes, Crewman?"

"We are being hailed. The USS Montgomery picked up our distress signal. Shall I put through to the Ready Room? Unfortunately I only have audio."

"Please."

"Admiral Janeway? This is Captain Will Riker of the Montgomery."

"Will! It's good to hear your voice!"

"Yes, you, too! I hear you need a ride."

"Yes, we have many wounded and the ship is barely maintaining hull integrity, despite the heroic efforts of this determined crew."

"We should be within transporter range within the hour."

"Thank you, Will."

"No thanks required, Kathryn. Riker out."

After a count of all hands, the Hurling had lost 17 crew members, 8 from the Bridge. They are headed to Star Base 17 following a successful beam-out to the Montgomery, the remains of the Hurling tractored behind them. Kathryn sits in Will's Ready Room.

"Penny for them?"

She offers a small smile and shakes her head, aware that she's been silent too long. "I'm concerned about the Hurling's crew. They've lost their entire Bridge crew. I don't know how to help them." It's a deflection she hopes he won't notice.

"Have you seen them, Kathryn? They're okay, or they will be, and they'll have access to counsellors soon enough. This is not a burden you have to shoulder, Kathryn. Now tell me what's really bothering you."

She pauses, unsure of how much to say. She finally decides that they've known each other too long to tell him anything but the truth. "Do you know why I was on the Hurling, Will?"

"I assumed negotiations in the DMZ..."

"No. I was just a passenger on that ship. They were going past Dorvan V and I asked for a ride."

Will immediately realizes his error. "Of course. Oh Kathryn, I'm so sorry for the loss of your First Officer. Were you going to see his family?"

"In a manner of speaking...I contacted them to tell them I was coming, but they weren't too happy about it."

"Why not?"

"They believe his death is my fault."

 _"Sekaya, I'm sorry to contact you so late, but there's been an accident._

 _"No, he's not alright. He's gone. I'm so sorry..._

 _"They were attacked and there was an explosion aboard the Billings._

 _"I'm so sorry, Sekaya..._

 _"Yes, he was there under my orders, but..._

 _"I'm so sorry. Yes, I know he wasn't home for very long, but he wanted to return to space..._

 _"I understand..._

 _"Well, I'm trying to understand..._

 _"Sekaya, I realize it may not mean much to you right now, but he was also my best friend. I'm so sor..."_

 _[How she wishes it was different  
_ _She prays to God most every night  
_ _And though she swears it doesn't listen  
_ _There's still a hope in her it might]_

"I need to contact Chakotay's sister, Will. I had told them I would be arriving this evening."

"Of course, Kathryn. Take whatever time you need. I'll be on the Bridge."

Kathryn steels herself for this call. She enters the coordinates and waits for a response. She sees the oh-so-familiar face on the screen.

"Hello, Sekaya."

Surprise turns to anger in an instant. She responds quickly. "I have nothing to say to you, Admiral. Sekaya ou.."

"Wait! Please, Sekaya. I know you may not see it this way, but I am trying to make this as painless as possible for both of us. Unfortunately I've been delayed. The ship I was on was attacked."

The face on the screen softens for a moment. "Are you alright?"

"Yes...thank you...although the ship was damaged and we had many casualties."

The face hardens again. "That's the nature of the work, isn't it?"

"Yes, there are always risks... I was hoping to arrange another date to visit."

"That won't be necessary, Admiral. Chakotay left us long ago. He made his own way, his own choices. He chose you, even if you did not choose him."

 _[And though it's red blood bleeding from her now_  
 _It feels like cold blue ice in her heart]_

Kathryn stiffens. "I _beg_ your pardon, but you simply don't understand what it was like out there. I was the Captain. I had responsibilities to my crew. My primary mission was to get them home. And by god it took us 20 years, but we came home!"

"Yes. I owe you that. You brought him home. But his heart was always with you. He should remain with you now. We lost him long ago. Good-bye, Admiral."

The screen darkens before the StarFleet insignia reappears.

 _[She feels like kicking out all the windows_  
 _And setting fire to this life]_

[ENDGAME begins]


End file.
